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HOW TO LET GO AND ENJOY A GETAWAY
Vacations can
help caregivers get back on track. While small breaks and relief
from daily routines are important, they fall short of the
revitalizing effect of a longer respite. The result of a
vacation is not just getting away; it is a ticket for caregivers
to change their focus, interact meaningfully with others and
improve their own emotional health.
So to even bring a vacation into the realm of possibilities,
caregivers need to let go of self-limiting beliefs. Here are
some examples:
"No one can care for them the way I do." While such a
belief is probably true, the erroneous implication is that no
one can do a good job in caring for your loved one. Having a
support caregiver—a back up, and developing trust in them can
resolve this practical obstacle. However, it is difficult to
cultivate this trust if you retain the idea that you are the
only one who can get it right.
"If something happens, I couldn't live with myself." At
the core of this concern is an illusion of complete control. The
belief is that nothing can go wrong if you are with your loved
one. That your vigilance enhances care may hold a degree of
truth. But the underlying notion that your presence is the main
reason that things are all right creates an exaggerated sense of
control or responsibility. Caring for an individual with
Alzheimer's disease is dependent on a knowledge base and skill
set that many support caregivers have or can learn. No matter
how loving, watchful or competent one's care, something can
always happen—whether you or someone else is there.
"I can't enjoy myself when they are so sick." It is hard
to allow yourself enjoyment when someone you love struggles. The
difficulty in overcoming this belief stems from an unrealistic
hope that the more you experience their struggle, the more
assistance you will be. Your help only comes from positive
energy and strength, not shared suffering. Giving yourself
permission to enjoy yourself can enhance the care you provide.
"They need me…They will fall apart without me." The
overwhelming sense of responsibility is apparent in these
statements, but underlying them is an attempt to predict the
future. Your loved one is vulnerable, but not necessarily in the
way you can foretell. They may be more resilient than you think.
In addition, while it is true that they need you, being away for
a period of time does not mean that their quality of life will
be sacrificed.
Why is it important to let go and take that getaway?
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Self-limiting beliefs can lead caregivers to shoulder
immense feelings of responsibility, self-sacrifice, anxiety,
resentment, and guilt. Over an extended period, such
feelings can hurt a caregiver's judgment and emotionally
contaminate the care environment. Likewise, they are often
perceived by the care receiver and begin to complicate the
relationship.
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A primary
caregiver's quality of life and emotional health are pivotal
to quality of care; recognizing this is a critical step in
reducing guilt about taking a vacation. When caregivers
address their own needs, they will be better able to meet
their loved one's needs. These escapes can recharge their
battery and boost their relationship with their loved one.
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Vacations
provide an important change in environment. Freedom from
routine, fresh encounters, conversations with new people and
experiencing the world differently offer an opportunity to
continue to grow and participate in life in a role other
than that of a devoted caregiver.
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After a
few vacations, the issues that previously grounded a
caregiver will likely become less pronounced and easier to
manage. Once caregivers understand the significance of their
own well-being, vacations become an important part of a
caregiver's life—not an indulgence.
Contributed by Robert W. Figlerski, Ph.D., a clinical
psychologist and a partner in First Opinion, Ltd., a New
York-based consulting firm that provides services to skilled
nursing facilities.
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